Preview:
Starring in no particular order:
- Little Red Writing Hood as herself and
- The Big Bad Word Wolf as his usual nasty self.
Scene One: Sagging Middles
The office of LRW Hood, Literary Agent extraordinaire. The walls are lined with plaques and pictures of Little Red with only the top writers, editors and publishers.
The view through her skyscraper window is of bustling Sixth Avenue in Manhattan, the Mecca of publishing.
"Sagging Middles, Sagging Middles. That's all I hear about anymore. Look at me; I'm tough, I'm buff. Why do I have to worry about sagging middles?" said Big Bad Word Wolf.
"Biggie, you are forever complaining or explaining. That's why your writing isn't going anywhere," Little Red Writing Hood answered, giving Wolf her Killer Coquette smile. "Every time you start out strong and think you have a winner going, you always forget something and end up with another dead tree to show for all your writing, Hairy One."
Wolf snarled, "My plan is perfect but something always comes along to mess it up. I lose my concentration, and get careless. But I always get back on track and give the readers what they want at the end, painful as that is for me, Petite Rouge."
"Stop with that Petite Rouge stuff, too. I'm not impressed that you know two words of French. Some of the readers won't know that you just said my name. Your charm escapes me, you lupine word abuser."
"I don't know what you mean by your last remark, but if I did, I think I would be insulted!"
"See?" said Red, "That's exactly what I'm talking about. I did that intentionally to show you how you come off when you get pretentious."
"Maybe I get bored writing all those stories where I end up losing," said Wolf.
"That's still no excuse for sloppy writing. I admit, you have great beginnings and endings that the readers can identify with, but your middles . . . sloppy, careless and bor-ing!"
"Ok, OK," said Wolf, his irritation rising. "I admit that in the "Three Pigs" story, I slipped up because I was so busy thinking about eating all that bacon that I forgot about how to get to the beef and I guess I let down all my carnivorous readers. It sure didn't sell as many copies as 3rd-Pig's version of the same story.
"Maybe if you hadn't been so… redundant. You just had to blow away three houses instead of one! You would have given the readers more of a chill lying in wait for the Piggies. You could have brought incredible tension to the story to have them all show up at one house.
"Instead, you took them and the story all over the neighborhood and ended up ruining the read for those few animals you call your readers. You felt you had to show off your prowess as a big blowhard and take out half the neighborhood. That displays poor ideas combined with bad writing." Red smiled in triumph.
Wolf stared at the floor, dejected. In his devious head, he began creating nefarious plots in which he exacted revenge upon Little Red. When he returned from his reverie, the room was empty.
Where is she? Just like her to run out because I take a few minutes to think about myself.
At that moment, entering through a rear door, Red returned to the room. "See what I mean? she said. "You do that to your readers all the time. Just when you have a good plot going, you take off on some self-serving trip into the ozone and lose them. Who cares what you think? You have to write for your reader."
"OK, Little Red Know-It-All, since you're on a roll, why don't you tell me how to fix some of my mistakes? Are you afraid my writing will be better than yours?"
"Wolf, I'd be happy to give you some pointers on how to tighten up your sagging middles. Are you willing to listen?"
"I'm listening, I'm listening."
"For one," said Little Red, "You throw words around like there is an unlimited supply. It gets worse as your story progresses. I told you, you have great beginnings, but once you pull in the reader you tend to huff and puff and use more words than you need. The reader gets bored."
"You repeat yourself. That tells the reader that either you can't remember what you said previously, or you think your words are so important they bear repeating. Wrong and wrong again, Wolf.
"Maybe if you thought about cutting out some of the words, you'd have enough wind left to blow away that brick house."
"Now that was a low blow, Red!"
"If you learn from it, it was worth it. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but you're so defensive about your writing."
"Defensive? It's a tough world out there. Editors are always telling me things like, 'Your writing is turgid.' Of course, I'm defensive."
"Maybe you ought to listen to them," said Red.
"You're a writer, too, and you should be defending me against them," answered Wolf.
"'Editors are the defenders of the reader, not the enemy of the writer."
Wolf gave Red a baleful stare as she uttered these words. "There you go, Little Red On-Her-Soapbox again, telling everybody how to write."
"Now you listen Wolf. These ideas aren't original. I had to learn them the same as you do. How do you think I get editors to look so approvingly at my work?"
"I could answer that one, honey, but I'm too much of a gentleman!"